COOL as ICE, 1991 Featuring Vanilla Ice

Sadly Cool as Ice was “meant” to be a remake of a true American Cinema Classic, James Dean’s Rebel without a Cause. Sadly the producers made one fatal mistake, they hired Vanilla Ice as the lead. I am convinced Suge Knight hung the producers of this movie off the side of the building because it is not humanly possible someone in Hollywood would green light this project unless their life was in imminent danger. My critique of this movie would not do it any justice so I will let my friends at have the honor.

“Worse than the acting is the absolutely hilarious Cameo by Naomi Campbell in the opening credits, who screams her way through a really really hideous song whilst dancing badly and constantly trying to brush her hair away from her face.

After this initial horrific all singing all dancing intro, some slut gives Vanilla her phone number just so that we’re reminded how great Vanilla ice is, and then the film starts proper. At this point you’re just recovering from the awfulness of the dark warehouse intro, and suddenly you’re assaulted by the wildly vivid colours of… pretty much everything actually, it’s a constant throughout the film that everything is just too vivid, its hard to explain, but once you’ve noticed it, its actually quite amusing.

This is pretty much how the film goes, just as you think you’ve seen the most awful scene in cinematic history, along comes another, worse one that manages to make the last one look average. A great example of this is the way that in the first couple of minutes, Vanilla ‘bunny hops’ his 250kg GSXR-1100 over a 5 foot high fence. An absolute classic moment in cinema which stays with you… kind of like syphilis.

But it’s for all these reasons (and hundreds more) that you should watch this film. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT. I’ve never really been an advocate of the ‘so bad it’s good’ school of thought, but I’ll make an exception for this film. Not only have I seen it many times, but I bought it new from Amazon a little while ago so I can say I have an original copy. In years to come it will be completely priceless, such is the cult following of this shocking celluloid mistake.

I really would recommend that you see it, not because it’s great, but just so you can appreciate how bad something can actually be, and how much of a complete freak of a movie this is.”

Now is that not an endorsement for a SEQUEL? Who would you cast in COOL as ICE 2 (Ain’t no time to Melt Now)