From the man who brought gentrification in Harlem to its knees with the highly successful “No Dew Nor Rain” Campaign: “OBAMA PIMPS WHITE WOMEN!”

Why didn’t you call ME, Barack?

To refresh your memory on “No Dew Nor Rain”:

 

Dick in a Box (Uncensored): Saturday Night Live

Just for old times sake…last hulu post for the day I promise.

Vodpod videos no longer available. from www.hulu.com posted with vodpod

 

Family Dinner: Saturday Night Live

I DRIVE A DODGE STRATUS!

Vodpod videos no longer available. from www.hulu.com posted with vodpod

 

Steven Seagal: A Complex Journey….

Steven Seagal’s guitar playing could make a wolverine purr….

….His compassion could make Mother Theresa cry…..

…but his justice would make even the most hardened criminal shit his pants…..

Only one man is capable of inducing so many different reactions….that man….is Steven Seagal….

 

Sex and the City Extended Trailer (I’m sorry guys)

What they call this is a license to print money.

 

Retro Video Game Review: Contra

The single most bad-ass video game in the history of mankind, Contra changed the face of the side scroll run and gun shooter when it was first released for the Nintendo Entertainment System in 1987. The two main characters, influenced by Schwarzenegger’s character Dutch from Predator and Stallone’s Rambo character from First Blood, are faced against an alien faction known as the Red Falcon Organization. The heroes, named Bill Rizer and Lance Bean, are sent to a remote island off of Central America to eradicate the Red Falcon Organization before it can overwhelm the entire planet.

Once Bill and Lance land on the island they are faced with various alien forces. These alien forces include human-like foot soldiers, a giant long neck crazy mouth creature that spits out baked shrimp looking things, a flying chandelier that shoots out smaller more deadly chandeliers, a giant guy who leaps and changes color, gigantic eyes that shoot out deadly bubbles, a half building half alien with robotic arms that shoot, and a giant beating heart that shoots out huge spiders.

 

Retro Video Game Review: Castlevania 2 Simon’s Quest

1987 was an exciting year to be a video game fan. The Nintendo Entertainment System was running on all cylinders when it released Castlevania 2: Simon’s Quest. The sequel to the highly successful Castlevania, starring hero Simon Belmont, put an entirely new spin on the side scroll adventure game. Castlevania 2 added alot more strategy to what was basically a button mashing fest.

After defeating Dracula at the end of Castlevania, Simon Belmont is given a horrible curse that will kill him unless he can bring Dracula back to life. In order to bring the Prince of Darkness back Simon must find a number of Dracula’s items and body parts, which have been spread throughout Transylvania. Simon is faced with the unenviable task of fighting Dracula’s dark minions while searching for what is needed to revive Dracula, thus breaking the curse.

The background story was really cool but what a bitch this game was to beat. I have fond memories of the game now but when my sister and I played it back in the day it was frustrating as shit. The townspeople are all retarded and give you either ridiculously worded clues or completely wrong clues. Basically every town is filled with retarded liars. That makes finding the correct path almost impossible unless you buy one of those video game guides. I had to buy the guide because I couldn’t figure out what the hell to buy and then what the hell to do with it. At one point you come to a river that is impossible to jump. All you have to do is equip yourself with the red diamond, the eye of Dracula, the green cross, a rubber chicken, a fire whip, and holy water and a tornado scoops you up and takes to you Dracula’s castle. That’s all you needed to do? Why didn’t I figure out that combination on my own? Probably because it would take 15 god damn years to try every combination of items just in the hope of having a tornado pick you up. How the fuck would anybody even know that you needed a tornado to pick you up if they didn’t read it in a guide or Nintendo Power, they wouldn’t know that’s how. But i digress.

Like Contra before it, Simon’s Quest had some of the best music in video game history. As a 5 year old it would get pretty creepy when the game turned into night and they started to play the song “Bloody Tears”. Also like Contra, many of the song’s in Simon’s Quest have been redone in different styles. One of the best variations of “Bloody Tears” is by Jedi Mind Tricks presents Army Of Pharaohs.

All in all Castlevania 2: Simon’s Quest is a fun game that has a really good story behind it. It got a bit frustrating at times but once you know what the hell you are supposed to do it all makes sense in the end.

 

Prison Break – Redux

Thanks for watching Seinfeld, next on Prison Break!

Narrator: Michael Vick was an average quarterback, and a legendary ladies man. His wild ride came to an end one day, when his best friends ratted him out for numerous dog fighting offenses. Now, with no team to call his own, Vick’s back is against the wall in a Virginia County Jail.

::Phone Rings:: camera spins around a semi lit, poorly painted room. A single, naked lightbulb swings from the ceiling, casting a sickly yellow glow on the peeling paint. A black hand reaches out of the shadows.

Marcus Vick: Hullo dis the country ho’

#7: Ey bro, it’s me man…they got me locked in here man, I ain’t do that shit man. Yo where mama at!?

Marcus: Ey bro, whatchu goin’ on ’bout? Ey man you set still man, I be right out in’dere…gimme’bout a week. An’ don’t be worry’in man…I got mama.

Narrator: Now only one man can help the fomer star, only one man can free him from his bondage. That man is…

::Marcus Vick steps into the light, he removes his shirt to display an intricately designed tatoo that covers his entire upper body::

Narrator: Marcus Vick!!!

Marcus: ey bro set tight I’se comin’!

 

Indy 4!

You knew this was coming.

 

Movies that need a sequel!!!

Release Date: 12 March 1993 (USA)

CB4 was not a terrible movie. Chris Rock was hilarious and the movie “some how” captured what was really happening to hip-hop. (We just did not know it yet)

CB4 A “rapumentary”, covering the rise to fame of MC Gusto, Stab Master Arson, and Dead Mike: members of the rap group “CB4”. In this movie art was imitating a life they did not live… CB4 took a humorous view at how many rappers had been living there “Rap Image” through their note pad…

Stab Master Arson by far was the best name in the Movie and when Dead Mike converted to the Pro-African Rap star, his hit single…” I am blackity Black” was hilarious. The beautiful Rachel True “orig. in the Craft” was one of the leading ladies in the movie, plus the Late Great Phil Hartman was also in the movie. CB4 was an obvious reference to NWA. NWA at the time was considered the most GANGSTA RAP GROUP EVER.
However, the future has not been so kind to their Gangsta reputation. Ice Cube Just filmed the Sequel “Are we there Yet 2”, talk about movies that DONT NEED a Sequel… I would love to see CB5 to come out representing the East Coast Version of CB4, Staring the GGGGGGGG-UNITTT featuring CURRRRRTTTIIIIISSSSSSSSSS.